Bangers & mashed

Woop! First update from actual Thailand. I've been here 5 days and not stopped til about 10 minutes ago.

Before prattling on about what I've been up to and discoveries & food & stuff that serves the purpose of food but probably shouldn't & all that I'd just like to say a massive, heartfelt thanks to Paul and Tony & Cholor for being ace. All three have bent over backwards, straightened up then bent backwards again to make sure I've had a fantastic time thus far. Thanks so much!

So, on to everything else. This likely to come out in no real chronological order and will undoubtedly become an incoherent sprawling mess of a 'synopsis'. I make no apologies. I'll hopefully hone my blogging skills as time goes by.

Are you sitting comfortably?

The flight over was uneventful in the main - crap films (Terminator Salvation; edited to remove violence and swearing makes for a short & continuity error strewn production), reasonable food, chatted to some lass from Barrow and her kid on the first leg. The child insisted on making some kind of inhuman phlegmy/cough/snort noise for the first 4 hours of the flight and the final 2 hours and 55 minutes. In a 7 hour flight this had begun to grate a touch by the time we were flying over Iraq and only the knowledge of what lay ahead in Thailand prevented me from wishing an IED on the plane to end the suffering. Incidently, the 5 minutes the child wasn't snorting he was grimacing and doing the 'monger tongue' at some woman who'd had the temerity to ask for some quiet as "it was ten to two in the morning". I didn't feel the need to point out that due to international timezones she was wide of the mark. I hope her jetlag wasn't too bad.

Luckily the second leg was much more enjoyable having struck up a friendship with 3 Polish painters from Croydon.

After landing I was pleased to see that Tony's golf clubs had made it through the oversize baggage collection point. I would've been even happier if I'd seen them sooner than the 30 minutes I spent fretting and sweating at the normal baggage collection belt.

True to his word Tony was waiting for me to whisk me off to the beautiful chaos of Bangkok. Having called at Paul's to allow my backpack to explode over Paul's flat (soz bud) we took a sojourn down Paul's soi (mum & dad translation - back street) for some food. Fantastic traditional Thai/Laos food and just what I needed after the featureless airline slop. Delicious food enhanced only by the great company & beer.

Tony & Cholor departed and Paul whisked me off to sample the delights of Bangkok nightlife. We hit a club or two and then retired - under police orders as they closed the club we were in - to a bar next to his flat. I finally left that place about 4am. I think. Certainly 36+ hours since my last sleep.

Thursday was largely spent scrubbing permanent marker off my arm. A kind Japanese lad had used it to scrawl in Japanese and had delicately placed a fairly accurate depiction of a penis on my elbow. The scrubbing had worked by Friday.

Other than that Thursday was quite the sedate day. Well, sedate Bangkok-style. I clung desperately to the back of a motorcycle taxi helmetless except for the one on my elbow as we traversed rush hour Bangkok (i.e. every hour of everyday until the world ends). A quick boat ride over the mighty Chaophraya and PAul had, to my complete amazement, delivered straight into a rural idyll of tall sugarpalms (maybe), hanging vines, shacks, a semi-wild park with villages in it, and shanty-cafes.

AND MONSTER LIZARDS.

Which apparently on the scale of Monster Lizards - 0 to 14 for the uninitiated - rated 3. Still, its the biggest bloody cold-blooded killer I've ever seen. My excitement only tainted by the hangover-related nauseous feeling that resulted from the increase in adrenaline, I have now vowed to have a pet Monster Lizard by the time I leave. In addition to the monkey.

Friday, hangover free and resembling normality allowed an active day - Paul took me off for a dip in a pool then a few hours on the climbing wall. Bearing in mind I haven't been climbing since the primary school trip to Denton House in Keswick, I was impressed by the three attempts it took me to climb an easy route and the complete inability to try get up a second easy route. Paul climbs like a possessed macaque without breaking a sweat.

In the evening we hit Tawandang Beer Hall. Anyone who has visited Bangkok and had Tony guide them will be familiar with it I'm sure....essentially its a German beer hall transplanted into Thailand full of Thais drinking 3 foot tall towers of beer whilst being 'serenaded' by 'musical' acts. A crowd of us descended on the place and much fun ensued. For those back home who are concerned - they do have sausages in Thailand and mighty tasty ones at that. Particularly when you slap a chilli in the end of one. Needless to say I am now formulating a business plan for a sausage on a stick stall in the UK.

After promising myself a reasonably quiet evening we left Tawandang at 12.30, and headed home for a much deserved sleep.

If only that was true.

What actually happened was that we got goaded by Tony's mate Max into visiting Patpong on a fruitless search for ladyboys and ended up feeling dirty in a bar with the largest set of miserable looking gogo dancers there was on offer in Bangkok at 1am in the morning. Thankfully, we had one swift beer before everyone got into various taxis and headed home.

It was certainly my intention to have a good kip. Unfortunately as I sauntered past Bar 23 next to Paul's, almost all the customers waved through the window and the owner rushed out to see if I fancied a beer. "Why yes, yes I do. How considerate of you to ask". At about 3am I was feeling a little emotional - a long way from friends & family and thoroughly ratted - requiring comfort I inquired at the bar if anyone wanted food.

I finally left a soi cafe at 4am, having discussed the finer merits of The Stone Roses, Charlatans, The La's, Oasis & Blur with the lass behind the bar and the lad that had drawn on my arm on Wednesday night and troughed on noodles sufficient enough to fill Wembley. I slept like a log until 7am.

I didn't get any more sleep until 11pm that evening. Inbetween 7am & 11am I largely stumbled about Bangkok, lurching from stall to stall trying to find someone to unlock my phone for a reasonable rate, which didn't happen. Between 11am and 1pm I lurched about from Skytrain station to Skytrain station making my way to Tony's to help lug heavy objects down four flights of stairs so that he could move to his new house. On the list of hangover cures, I suspect moving house is fairly far down. From 4pm to 5pm I sat in the cab of a non-air con pick up truck sweating like a VERY SWEATY THING as we crawled to Tony's new place. After then emptying the pick up of the aforementioned heavy objects, eating pizza & watching football I fell blissfully asleep.

On Sunday evening Cholor had managed to blag me an invite to a wedding reception! Bedecked in a suit (it made it fine in the backpack!) and attempting to quiz Tony on every element of etiquette I walked out of the lift and straight into the bemused bride & groom and their wedding photos. I trust they will look back fondly upon their fine wedding reception and maybe ask each other "Who exactly is that startled looking farang?". Allowing some sweeping generalisations it appears that wedding receptions the world over (i.e. UK & Thailand) have a surprising number of similarities - speeches, well dressed attendees, good times, laughs...and buffets containing quiche! Ace! I'd travelled half way round the world to experience the finer delicacies of Thai cuisine and I may as well have stayed at home and crashed some reception at Park & Arbourthorne Club. Except another oddity was that there was no booze and it was all done and dusted by about 9pm.

And that's that. My adventure so far. I hope you're awake still.

It's time to head to Tha Bom on Wednesday morning. The next two days will involve me crashing Tony's lessons to allow him to impart teaching wisdom and let the students try and understand my Cumbrian/Yorkshire mangling of the English language. I will try to update within the next week!

Take it easy

Dave