The Ballad of Sexy Dave

You’ve had the pictures so here are some words. It’s been yet another busy week (and a half) of teaching, dossing about and making the acquaintance of more locals and the local firewater.

This week the school has had an inspection from the Government. In the lead up, somewhat perversely, all classes were more or less cancelled for two days as all the pupils were pulled out of lessons to tart up the school. Posters appeared proclaiming such thought-provoking and motivating lines as “God provides every bird with food; but He does not throw it in to their nests” and “Ignorance makes us proud; Knowledge makes us humble”; pupil’s artwork appeared on the walls; many signs in English were stuck up; the principal had a haircut; the school was thoroughly cleaned; and a couple of new computers appeared. I did try to suggest that the school may be inspected for the quality of its teaching and work, rather than the appearance of signs directing people to comfort rooms (the bogs) and the ‘multi purpose hall’ (i.e. the bit of the canteen not used for canteening), but I think much was lost in translation.

The inspection itself was held over two and a half days by a smiley man and a less smiley man. I swerved a discussion about the English department with them – or rather their lack of English meant they swerved a discussion with me; but did sit in the meeting held at the end of the inspection (when they sent the kids home early so all the teachers could attend). I’ll never get those 3 hours back, which is shame. The school has received a significant number of recommendations from the inspectors, but won’t find out for a further two weeks whether they passed or not. The English Department came out smelling of roses though, which was nice (and very little to do with me).

The teaching itself is going OK. I panic a little when I don’t feel I have enough to fill a week, but I quickly resort to games and the kids love it. Last week I taught ‘Describing People’. I told them there were three obvious ways of describing someone – clothes, looks and emotions. When it came to clothes, quite a few students seem to want to describe people by underwear, boxers, g-strings or bikinis…interesting. Next week I’m going to try to do a little bit on ‘Shopping’.

Last Thursday, having blagged the loan of a bike, I went for a 20km ride through some villages. It was a good laugh and I caused a few open mouths and swarms of kids to follow me on their bikes for part of my journey. I was also offered the chance to harvest some rice, but I was heading back home and conscious of how quick night falls and the tigers come out, I declined. I didn’t decline the chance to join some of the teachers and some locals in some booze as I pedalled back through Tha Bom. They were on white whiskey.

It’s the closest I’ve come (and want to come) to drinking petrol. The taste as it went down wasn’t overly rancid; but the aftertaste tasted so full of chemicals that I did feel like checking that the shop wasn’t running a siphon from their pick-up truck. Absolutely rank. After 6 bottles of the stuff, everyone was quite merry and we retired to someone’s house for more whiskey, some papaya and a chicken. Most everyone spoke no English and I have yet to really grasp the fundamentals of Thai, beyond ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘hello’, ‘thank you’ and ‘watermelon’. We soon resorted to Thai/English dictionaries and phrasebooks. Much mirth was created when I told one old fella I was 32. They had thought I was 22. The upshot was that the old fella (who told me he was 53 but looked 70+), with skin like leather after 40 years of hard graft in the rice fields, eyes permanently red through white whiskey abuse, a few teeth missing and a natty range in beenie hats has now adopted the nickname of ‘Sexy Dave’. I tell myself it’s a compliment.

The next day I felt surprisingly fine. Until about 11.30am when waves of lethargy washed over me and I felt like I hadn’t slept for two weeks. I felt dog rough and retired to bed early, which allowed me to rise early for… … … WEAVING! Ace! I had reached my last shift of weaving and set off with a spring in my step; happy that I would have my Saturdays back after the imminent 7 hour marathon. The old dear had pulled a fast one and changed the pattern on the loom, which now involved two shuttles and a degree of dexterity she could display and I couldn’t. I cracked on though and by lunch time I had rattled off a few more cotton things. Lunch was traditional Thai – sticky rice and chicken stuff. I’ve learned now not ask where the meat is from. “Eat and don’t ask questions” is a good approach here (but swear you’ll never eat it again when you’re hunched over the porcelain squirting runny shit everywhere).

My home time of 4pm came. And went. By 5pm I was getting a little bored and wanted to leave; I think the old dear expected me to work through the night. It was only then that it dawned on me that the cotton which went the length of the loom and doubled back over the top of the loom and down the back and tied off was actually the cotton that had been bought for me to weave. And the old dear and her daughter (who had sat with us that first fateful evening when it was agreed I would do this) fully expect me to finish it. In it’s entirety. I would guess I’m half way there …so brilliantly I have at the very minimum another two shifts at the loom to look forward to now. Goodbye to Saturdays until about Christmas…

The Sunday after weaving I had managed to secure a lift to Muang Loei, the nearest big town. This was good. It gave me the chance to have a scout around and see what was there to keep me entertained when I rocked up next time (the weekend just passed). Unfortunately, I’m also becoming wary of accepting any activity on a Sunday which involves anybody at all as it would appear that I will also be ‘treated’ to a visit to some kind of religious service. This Sunday was no different (following my first ever Mass and meeting a bishop). The kind chap who was giving me a lift also took me to the Hope of Loei Evangelical Church. Shit. Happy-clappers. As we arrived, the Pastor was leaving, in his top of the range BMW – I decided against querying why a religious man needs a top of the range BMW almost certainly paid for through church collections (welcome to Dave’s Cynical World ™).

We were ushered in to the hall, there was a band, a woman babbling on and a big screen showing the words to the songs – Christian karaoke. I picked up on a number of ‘Hallelujahs’ and ‘Amens’. Then the fun started. The songs got quicker paced and the congregation rose to their feet, waving their arms and dancing around. I stifled laughter. One of the three singers had one of those smiles on her face that I find only deeply Christian people can produce – best described as a cross between smug, patronising and punchable. After the singing and dancing there was a short word from the lead singer. In an unexpected turn of events they thanked God for bringing me to their Church (I could get a messiah complex if this continues), made me stand up and presented me with a carton of malted soya milk in a cellophane bag, with ribbons. I did feel a little bad when I crept out of the service about 30 seconds after they gave me the soya milk. This soon abated as I made my way in to town. In essence, Loei has about four main streets with ‘big’ shops in; but in Thailand everyone owns a shop it seems, so even the side streets are alive with people going about their business. It even has a Tesco although it never opened due to some cock-up with getting permission. A fully built Tesco, complete with signs, sitting there redundant.

As I wandered I needed to have a pee. I hadn’t clocked any public toilets so made my way to KFC to sneak in and use their bogs. As I approached a man waved at me; it was Sexy Dave. He was eating KFC with his son. He beckoned for me to sit with them. Bang goes the sneaking in. Also the toilets were next to the counter, so all the staff watched as the foreigner tried to make stilted conversation and creep into their facilities. Naturally, English guilt crept in and that’s how I found myself having an unnecessary two pieces of chicken and chips with 7-Up at 10.30 on a Sunday morning.

Maybe it was some kind of karmic payback for bolting after the soya milk presentation.

This weekend I returned to Muang Loei for a treat. I booked myself in to the 4-star Loei Palace Hotel, taking a suite for 30 quid a night. The hotel was good and the suite massive, although the shower was appalling. I went to get some food on Friday evening from the local street market and took a look at some bars. I heard the recognizable chords of Arctic Monkeys blaring out from one so had to go in for a look. I was immediately befriended by the barman who invited me to join his friends. They were a good bunch, in to indie music and drove classic Vespas. I even got to sit on one. Quality! I asked how much they are to buy secondhand, and didn’t really get a definitive answer. I think it was about a grand. I’m sure they could be cheaper.

The barman, Golf, and his mates plied me with too much Chang beer (6.5%) and then I was whisked off to a club that had a turn on. Thais love cover bands. Golf then tried to set me up with one of the… ahem… ‘hostesses’ in the club. She stood next to me for a while, conversation was minimal and then I made my excuses (or rather the Chang made my excuses) and I stumbled off home. I woke up fully dressed on the bed at 4.30am with my iPod playing away in my ears.

Saturday was spent trailing round Muang Loei ticking things off my list. It seems that they don’t care much for preventing malaria round here and I haven’t been able to get any more malaria pills. Looks like I’ll be chancing it from now on. I have belatedly put up my mosquito net. Another mission was to get a haircut, which I did surprisingly well. After establishing that they would cut my hair (miming) I sat there for half an hour whilst the lass did her thing. Even more surprisingly is that I got (nearly) what I asked for, and for a very reasonable 80 baht (less than 2 quid).

Feeling the effects of a hangover I retired to bed at 9pm, to be woken at 10pm by Golf ringing to ask where I was. Twenty minutes later I was sat round a table helping celebrate someone’s birthday with whiskey (not white this time, thank Christ) and an endless supply of sausage and chicken. They are a supremely friendly bunch who like a laugh. They’ve even invited me camping in Chiang Khan next month and I hope to go. I finally got back to bed about 2.30am with a load of new numbers in my phone.

Disaster also struck today, which could have far reaching consequences for my sanity. My iPod packed in. Shortly after Oasis’ D’yer Wanna Be A Spaceman and halfway through the first chord of Bloc Party’s So Here We Are the bloody thing went off and won’t switch back on again. NOT GOOD. It has happened before and I’ve lost all the tunes on it once it’s restored itself. This is also NOT GOOD as my laptop is many thousands of miles away. I’m not sure how to go about remedying the situation. Tips welcome.

And that should bring you bang up to date I think. Maybe not as full of thrills and spills as previous updates, but be confident in the knowledge that there’ll be some more just around the corner. For Christmas I have two weeks off so I’m going to seek out a beach and take it easy.