EXPLANATION - OK, I'd typed this out ages ago. Though I may as well let you lot see it. It's basically covers the last few days in Chiang Khan before I left - about 4 weeks ago.
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Chiang Khan fades in to the distance. My last few days were spent teaching in a new school and trying to pack.
Pi Kuan had asked me and Adam to go to her school once we'd finished at St. John's. She 'teaches' kindergarten at a state primary school along the Mekhong from Chiang Khan. On the Monday morning (8th March) we arrived to many shouts of "farang! farang!". The younger kids were reluctant to enter the gates of the kindergarten, warily eyeing up the odd-looking white things standing in their playground. Some refused to enter; others would only come in as long as they were locked tightly around their parents necks. Once deposited they all took to hiding or standing stock-still just in case one of us made a grab for them.
Thinking I would give them a chance to play I went for a wander in to the school field. Immediately swarms of kids came for a look. The more confident lads took to asking to shake my hand, and upon doing so ran off laughing and waving their hand in the air like it had been given the lurgee. The girls would say hello then collapse into fits of giggles with their friends when I replied.
The plan, as was my understanding, was that we would teach 3 one-hour classes, each with a different class. After a baffling 'meeting'/silence with the School Director (Pi Kuan had basically ushered us on our way - not good when she had the best English in the school) we were shown to separate classrooms and left to teach. I got a combined 3rd/4th Year class. After two and a half hours, having nearly exhausted my entire repertoire of simple games, easy songs (head, shoulders, knees & toes went down a bomb) and basic subjects I popped my head round the corner in to Adam's class. He also seemed to be reaching the end of his teaching stock/tether. There was a distinct lack of other teachers knocking about, which made me wonder if there were actually any other classes going on. Given my experiences so far, I'd hazard a guess at "probably not".
It was agreed, between us, that we would finish. At which point the school's english teacher came in to tell us to finish.
After lunch, we were again left in separate classrooms. I got the 6th year, who, by virtue of them being the oldest, should be the best at English. It was like getting blood from a stone. They wouldn't do head, shoulders, knees and toes; they couldn't get a couple of games; and they usually just looked at each other blankly. One lad was quite handy though, and if it wasn't for him it probably would've been a lot of silence and staring. Sure enough, 90 minutes passed and there was no sign of any teacher to tell us to stop. I called a halt when other kids started drifting in from other classes. I was fairly sure it was home time; and if it wasn't I was going to make it home time.
The next day started like any other; up, shower, bananas, coffee. There was no hint of the car-crash of a class that was about to unfold.
After walking around the school again with plenty of "SHAKE HANDS!" and picking the kids up and holding them upside down whilst tickling them (one lad lost 10 baht...sorry kidda), we were again shown to separate classrooms and left to teach. I copped for the class that Adam had the day before. This would normally be fine with one hour lessons; but seeing as they had had the marathon lesson I was struggling to think of new subjects to teach them that were enjoyable and relevant (will they really need to give directions? will they ever find themselves shopping for furniture?).
I began with saying hello. Simple. I got those that didn't reply in the group to wave and say it individually. Then one lad got up, came over and asked to shake my hand. I obliged. Then another lad came. And another. Then some lasses. Soon enough the whole class was jostling, shoving and pushing to shake my hand. Kids were being thrown on their arses and elbows were being used. Realising things were getting a bit violent I got them all back to their seats and tried out some simple animals, accompanied with noises. This was quickly done. I moved on to describing people: short, tall, fat, thin; all with corresponding actions. Again, this went down well.
Now, I'm not sure at which exact point the lesson derailed. It may have been the third or fourth repetition of "SHAKE HANDS!"; it may have been the point at which I lifted one of the lads into the air to demonstrate 'tall'; but all I do know is that within what felt like a split second I had kids clambering up me like giddy macaque monkeys; two girls yanking my t-shirt trying to get me to sit down; this didn't placate those that wanted me standing so that they could sit on my shoulders; lads drawing cars, lorries, people and animals on the board (the lesson wasn't a total write-off then); kids hanging off my neck; tables and chairs being thrown about; and kids joining from other classes. In amongst all this, the english teacher showed his face, took some photos and left without a word. Thanks mate. Realising I needed a way of stopping the kids tearing the classroom (and me) apart from the inside I managed to corral them and be quiet(er). I then went to each corner of the room and drew animals on the wall in chalk. Next I cleared the desks and chairs to the sides of the room.
With the benefit of hindsight, trying to calm the kids down by getting them to run to animal I was making noises for, then getting them to mimic the noise, was not my most inspired moment. Quickly exhausting cat, dog, hen and pig, I added elephant and monkey. Ending the game just as they were reaching implosion levels, I made them sit down and copy pictures of the animals.
It didn't take long for the boys to start acting up again. Then the girls followed. The same two girls yanked at my shirt trying to make me sit down. Kids were climbing on the tables to try and jump on to my back. Some took to punching my bum, others kicked my shins (I'll be honest here, it was about now that I retaliated with a swift kick of my own). A lad from another class came in carrying a craft knife, to which a lass replied by brandishing two flick knives. I tried to take them off her but she wouldn't relent. Not wanting to force the situation I went to find the English teacher. He was sat with his feet up at a desk in another classroom whilst the kids copied from the board. He came a confiscated the knives and I got evil looks form the lass for the remainder of the day. I was quickly seeking out the English teacher again when one lad burst another lads nose with a peach of a punch.
At one point Adam came in, found me playing patty-cake with the two shirt-yanking lasses and walked off again, smiling. It was when I heard my shirt rip and received an accurate and swift fist to the penis that I thought I should end the lesson and seek respite in the kindergarten. By comparison the kindergarten was serene - all the kids were dozing and Pi Kuan was reading a book. There seemed to be a lot of sleeping done in that kindergarten. I did wonder if they doped them.
The afternoons lesson was unexpected but easy. We had been told that the School Director did not want us to teach in the afternoon due to the heat. I was expecting to go home and crack on with some stuff that needed doing. What transpired was that we were to stay "for one hour for some photos", as Pi Kuan described it. The one hour actually meant teaching a lesson whilst the teachers took photos of the two sweaty, frazzled farang try to get the 6th year to open their gobs.
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I thought there was no point it sitting there and not being available to read.
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